GRETCHEN MATTOX :
some agitation waged, all desires
salt lessons
figuratively speaking this errand of light can’t backfire, body open
wound only bleeds by design,
even the saints rebel but they're saints so we hold them to it,
suffering
snakes itself around the heart (someone somewhere painted that?)
you're five again, six already betrayed, the marionette’s tangle, the
babysitter’s foreign, your parents can't be found
Q: what is safety; engagement ring made of bakelite but for the wrong
finger
A: none
Q: taking it seriously; clouds around the heart like an active volcano
I missed the line drawn in the sand that said do not under any
circumstance call me a cunt
aspects of salt
I.
like a bee in a jar
some agitation waged, all desires
—
hands folded on the lap, don’t move during church
absence made you, absence named you; it became its own presence
to be lost in someone else's pull
ii.
what the grief weighed brick thick, house of unassembled chaos
heart drenched
—
ticket to a trip you didn’t want
"We'll give heart a new beat," says the Chinese healer in halting English.
I have no tolerance for healing
wren heart, beat under blanket of storm, lost beat like a song forgotten
you once knew by heart
salt block 2
you’ll be done when you’re done
bougainvillea spills happy cells over the wall
palm trees shaggy as mammoths disappointment like a room
self-attack, an off-again on -again ride
you’ll be done when you’re done like the tree
bough that fell yesterday blocking
the street / no driving
—
the unexpected detour, green tunnel a walk through twiney vines
I made my body a cave of grief, a bucket buried in sand, a place light could
not shine through
in time and space the voice said, you have to be larger than
say what you couldn’t say, say what you couldn’t say and move on
table salt
like the body of the garden snake that writhed headless on the black and
white tile
before the clawless pawing of the cat
some life impulse left as it struggled to die
no more confusing your absence with you, no more frustration
—
I have climbed the structures of my confusion
—
its tail whipping, trying to move away
as small as a large worm, blood near her whiskers like a toddler’s spaghetti
stain
all innocence and instinct, the way she lightly tapped at each convulsive
loop de loop / snake:
headless horseman, chicken with/nothing to get bent about
—
the thinking source not even necessary
salt block
near
the sofa the tail slipped under a curtain of fringe
—
sliver of dark moon
finally done, the going back and forth back and forth/fears relentless
breaking up again
carry tulips up the stairs, stems arc downward crescents
—
a mirroring of shapes
petals drop like paper, crumpled notes
leaving the exposed glistening pistines
no salt, please
I put on yellow Rubbermaid gloves to retrieve the piece of snake
—
like a hair band snapped open, darker in death
—
close to black
letting go
the whole slingshot flung
over the rail, in an Acapulco dive to the street below
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